Rollercoasters and mundane conversation

I like my starbucks friends, but there comes a time when you are standing in the top gun line for an hour and a half (now called the flight deck or something stupid and non-movie related like that) and all people talk about is customers (mostly by their drink order, which I don't care enough to remember) and I think to myself, there must be more to life than this for some people. I'm sure the people around us wanted to kill us.

Another line gem was hearing a girl complain about how her mom was going to call the cops on her because she smokes too much weed, and then she was all like, "it's not like there's a law against smoking weed." Actually, stupid, there is. Drugs are illegal. Maybe your mom is worried about how stupid all that weed is making you.

And Behemoth...by the end, we were all kind of in tears. It was terrifying.

The Silence

I'm breaking my silence to write a letter.

Dear Kings of Leon,

I love you. Please marry me. And if not, maybe you could connect me with the guy from star trek who plays the young and dashing Captain Kirk? He's also dreamy, and since all y'all were at the MTV awards, you could hook me up.

thanks

Love, Alaina

Well, it's going to be a long, hard couple of months. Last Thursday my dad and I planned her funeral, and this week we are going shopping for funeral clothes. We picked out the pall bearers, the minister, bought a plot where my Opa is. And now we wait.

It seems weird to wait for something so un-fun. But I keep going because if I sit there too long, staring at her, I get really sad, and if I don't hear her breathe, I freak out. I gotta keep going because this could be over tomorrow, or it could be another couple of months.

And it might seem crass, but I'm also "excited". Let me explain. For my whole life, my dad and I have been needed. We've never been able to go far or do things independently. I mean, yes, I went to school away from home, but at the end of the day, I always ended up back here, just in case something should happen. But now my dad and I will be able to have a life. I'll be able to drive to Hamilton (in my new car no less) and not have to worry about being home in time so that I can give my dad a break. We are going to go to Holland, see where my grandparents grew up. We can go out for dinner on the spur of a moment because when we come home from work, we don't feel like cooking. And I may finally get to have my life back. I met a boy a while ago, and we went out once, and it seemed pretty promising that we would go out again, but now this is all-consuming. When it's all said and done, and I'm finished grieving (somewhat, because I'll never be finished), I'll be able to do things that I was always jealous of my other friends being able to do.

Anyway, we are strong, trusting and leaning that God has a plan, and knowing that the bullshit (sorry Jesus) that we've put up with for 25 years has not been in vain. And we know that she'll be dancing in heaven, hanging out with my Opa who has been waiting for her.

The longest week

It's been a long week. Things aren't going very well right now - my mom is bedridden, and the infection she's been trying to fight is getting the best of her. So, forgive me for hiding. This could be the end, so keep us in your thoughts.

On a more morose note...

It's no surprise that my mom is not doing well. But lately. And it's gross, so you might want to look away.


She gets a nurse now because she has pressure sores from sitting all the time, and instead of getting better, they are getting worse and infected. She has to go on antibiotics. And she's not really here anymore. I mean, she's "alright" physically, but mentally, she gave up and died a long time ago. Today she asked her social worker person how many oxy-contin it would take to kill herself. She doesn't eat that much, she never smiles, she can't even talk anymore. She's almost twisted completely backwards, her spine is curved like an "s" and she can't even hold her own head up. Because she's so twisted, her organs aren't where they should be and when she breathes, it's like she's run a marathon, it's like it's hard work to breathe.

And I have to live with her everyday, watch her waste away, helpless. I want so desperately to leave home, to be my own person, but how can I? My dad needs me, she needs me. And as the disease is killing her, I think it's killing me too in a way. And I know it's not God's fault, and obviously I'm still in love with Him, but I can't help but wonder why he's so distant and absent around here?

That song from Hot Rod

So, as a 26 year old, I had a first time experience that is shared with 15 year olds the world over:

I went on a date.

Maybe not a real date, just a coffee, meet face to face thing. It was good. He is nice. He plays hockey and drives a truck. I'm going to watch him play hockey on Saturday.

I hope I did it right.

Dating, I mean.

And. More firsts for the 26 year old in a 17 year old's life:

I test drove a car today. I am getting a car. And my dad didn't want to go with me but I'm glad he did because if he hadn't, I'd have walked away with a car today. Man, those dudes are convincing.

I test drove a blue Honda Civic. He told me to gun it over the railroad track so I could feel how smooth a ride the car is, and to take the corners at full speed so I could see how well the car handles. But, since I'm not going to be a racecar driver, nor do I want to wreck my precious car when I get it, none of these little tidbits of information are helpful.

Man, I have to start picking out names! Does anyone have a baby book lying around?

Another day, another lack of a dollar

It's March Break. And I have a cold, because heaven forbid I should get sick when it'll actually be worth something (i.e., I get to miss school or starbucks). And it's one of those pleasant sinus colds where your face works against you.

In other news, this weekend I was scheduled to go to my uncles in Toronto. The plan was to barbecue and hang out at his place. But on the way there, my mom got really sick so we turned around and went home...but my uncle does all our taxes, so he needed the stuff, so I went by myself which was nice, because I never get to spend time with him. Anyway. When I got there, he said, "okay, there's a change of plans!" We went out for thai food, and got tattoos. Yeah. With my uncle. On a whim. Well, not really on a whim because I'd been planning on getting another one anyway, but it was unplanned...i couldn't psych myself up. But I got a fancy H on my left foot for my mahja. I'll do the walking because she can't.